3 mindsets that make dating apps work for me

1) I get ready to date

When I first started using dating apps, I found myself obsessing over likes and matches, constantly tweaking my profile, mindlessly swiping, and second-guessing my messages to the girl… The experience was overwhelming. It wore down my willpower and self-esteem, leaving me feeling insecure, hopeless, cynical and miserable.

So I swore off the apps and vowed to only meet people 'naturally' through activities, events and friends. But I still worried if the girl liked me. I still doubted what I was saying and doing, and I still felt terrible about everything afterwards, just as before. Simply put, the apps were not the problem, I was... I was not ready to date because I did not like myself.

So I worked hard on building self-love. I became more mindful. I learned how to process my emotions and how to meet my emotional needs. I started healing my childhood trauma, refined my social skills and made new friends. I got into shape, travelled and tried new fun activities. It was an incredibly difficult yet rewarding period.

Gradually, my investment in myself started paying off. I felt more fulfilled, stable, secure, optimistic... I started feeling more love for myself. And although I still kept working on myself, I felt I was ready to date again.

2) I adapt to online dating

When I decided to date again, I was open to meeting people both naturally and online. I felt confident that I would be able to manage any uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that can arise. Therefore, I didn’t want to restrict how people come into my life.

But while organically meeting people is about showing up and being myself, online dating is different. So I needed to adapt my thinking and realise that:

• Dating apps are just a tool to meet people - an imperfect but useful tool. They may make me feel a certain way, but I choose how I react.

• I am so much more than my dating profile. When someone swipes on my profile, it does not mean they like or don’t like me. They don’t know me. It simply means my profile did or didn't engage them. Even if they don't like me, then it can be sad, yes. But when one door closes, another opens, and I’m still the same man who is worthy of love.

• I can improve my dating profile. While my profile will never capture everything that makes me who I am, I can still make it more authentic, so that I and my compatible people can find each other more easily.

3) I prioritise my well-being and personal growth

Now I am able to really enjoy dating, with dating apps being the main channel I meet people. But sometimes, I still spend mindless time on the apps, I still second-guess myself, I still have terrible dates, I still get dating fatigue...

When that happens, I strengthen my focus on my well-being and on having a growth mindset. This means:

• I regularly check in with myself: How am I feeling? What can I do to help myself now? Do I go into my self-care routine? Do I take a break from dating?

• I am intentional but open to other possibilities: Am I looking for a partner, a fling and why? What values & qualities matter most to me and why? What are my boundaries and why? I reflect on these questions but I stay open to explore and change.

• I go on dates to have fun, and to learn more about myself and my date. Dating can be awkward and draining, and this helps me relax and be my best self. And if we don't work out, I can leave feeling fulfilled because I showed up and lived by my values.

If you'd like to learn more ways to care for your well-being when using dating apps, I recommend this article by an experienced relationship psychologist, who has some great tips.

While what works for me may not work for you, I hope you still found something valuable. Dating apps can be challenging, yes. But with suitable mindsets, they can be powerful tools for connection. If you're looking to elevate your dating profile, book your free call with me!

With that mindset, I started to match with more compatible people, have more interesting conversations, and go on very fun dates.

[Sony a6400, Spain, @thanhsjourney]

I've used a range of dating apps, including Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and OkCupid. I’ve used them to find long-term and short-term relationships. I’ve used them while living in Australia and travelling. I’ve even paid for premium features.

Through the apps, I’ve had a range of experiences. Fun and fulfilling dates, frustrating and regrettable ones, and many in between. Over time, I’ve adopted 3 mindsets that still help me consistently find compatible matches, have fun dates and enjoy the process!