1) I get ready to date
When I first started using dating apps, I found myself obsessing over how few likes and matches I was getting, constantly tweaking my profile, mindlessly swiping, and second-guessing my messages to the girl… The experience was overwhelming. It wore down my willpower and self-esteem, and left me feeling insecure, hopeless, cynical and miserable.
So I swore off the apps and vowed to only meet people naturally through activities, events and friends. But I still worried if the girl liked me. I still doubted what I was saying and doing, and I still felt terrible about everything afterwards, the same as before. Simply put, I was not ready to date because I did not like myself.
So I worked hard on building self-love. I became more mindful. I learned how to process my emotions. I learned how to meet my emotional needs. I started healing my childhood trauma. I refined my social skills and made new friends. I got into shape. I travelled and tried fun activities. It was an incredibly difficult and rewarding time period.
Gradually, my investment in myself started paying off. I felt more fulfilled, stable, secure, optimistic... I started feeling more love for myself. And although I still kept working on myself, I felt I was ready to date again.
2) I adapt to online dating
When I decided to date again, I was open to meeting people both naturally and online. I felt confident that I would be able to manage any uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that can arise. Therefore, I didn’t want to restrict how people come into my life.
But while organically meeting people is about showing up and being myself, online dating is different. So I needed to adapt my thinking and realise that:
Dating apps are just a tool to meet people - an imperfect but useful tool. They may make me feel a certain way, but I can choose how I react to it.
I am so much more than my dating profile. When people swipe on my profile, it does not mean they like or don’t like me. They don’t know me. It simply means my profile did or didn't engage them. Even if they don't like me, then it can be sad, yes. But when one door closes, another opens, and I’m still the same man who is worthy of love.
I can improve my dating profile. While it's impossible for my profile to capture everything that makes me who I am, I can still make it more authentic, so that I and my compatible people can find each other more easily on the apps.
3) I prioritise my well-being and self-growth
Now I am able to really enjoy dating, with dating apps being the main channel I meet people. But sometimes, I still spend mindless time on the apps, I still second-guess myself, I still have terrible dates, I still get dating fatigue...
When that happens, I strengthen my focus on my well-being and on having a growth mindset. This means:
I regularly check in with myself: How am I feeling? What can I do to help myself now? Do I go into my self-care routine?
I am intentional but open to other possibilities: Am I looking for a partner, a fling and why? What values & qualities do I want in a person and why? What are my boundaries and why? I reflect on these questions but I stay open to explore and change.
I go on dates to have fun, and to learn more about myself and my date. Dating can be awkward and draining and this helps me relax and be my best self. And if we don't work out, I still feel fulfilled because I lived to my life values of having fun and learning.
If you'd like to learn more ways to care for your well-being when using dating apps, I recommend this article by an experienced relationship psychologist, who has some great tips.
While what works for me may not work for you, I still hope you found something useful from my experience. And if you want to elevate your online dating profile, get in touch!
With that mindset, I started to match with more compatible people, have more interesting conversations, and go on very fun dates.
[Sony a6400, Spain, @thanhsjourney]
